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What to write?

When you write on a blog, do you write as if you are writing to an audience? Or do you write as if you writing in a journal to yourself? If you write as if you expect someone to be reading it, then do you sensor yourself? If I write as if I am writing in a journal, then I would be completely honest as I wouldn’t expect anyone else to every read this. Does it depend on the subject you are writing about? Does it depend on the number of regular comments you get? Or the page hits your blog receives? Having no comments does not mean that no one is reading…

These are things I’ve been contemplating lately. I’ve got some stuff I need to write about, to get off my chest. Things that are really painful, but I’m not sure whether it matters who reads it or who does not. I’m not sure if I would feel better knowing that someone read what I wrote and they sympathize.

So here goes. My mom has been very sick since about Easter. It actually started some time after Easter. It started with shaking in her hands, physical weakness, mental confusion. At first her doctor said it was stress and then maybe it is Parkinson’s disease, and she prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills and sent her to a neurologist. First off, it is extremely wrong to give a potential Parkinson’s diagnosis without being seen by a neurologist first. Particularly wrong when you know our family history includes Parkinson’s. So of course my mom was totally freaked out thinking she had Parkinson’s. The neurologist decided she definitely does not have Parkinson’s and my mom was diagnosed with having Essential Tremors. That’s fine and should have been good news as Essential Tremors is a much better diagnosis with less long term effects.

But since then my mom’s health has gone on such a downward spiral. She started waking up in the morning not knowing where she was, she would put her clothes on inside out and backwards (when she could dress herself), she’s lost all sense of her personality, she is so physically weak she cannot do the most basic of tasks, she gets lost trying to go to work (we’ve lived in the same house for 30 years and she’s been working in the same place for 20 years), she makes comments about being a hotel, people moving who have not moved, people being left behind who are not there. She works for our family business, so she has continued to work even though she cannot really do anything in the office. If she worked for someone else she would have been fired or put onto disability.

The doctors at first kept brushing my father off, an was just not taking these issues seriously, just saying its stress . What kind of stress does someone have to be under that they forget where they live (when they have lived there 20 years)? Or how to dress themselves? Or how to start their car?

Finally my father wrote the doctors a long letter, detailing all these issues. All the daily confusions my mom has suffered. And this part of the illness has come on really fast over the last 2-3 weeks. Now the doctor has finally decided that maybe this isn’t an issue of stress, but she has said she basically has no idea what is wrong. This week they are doing more blood work, another MRI. If they cannot figure out what is wrong, my mom will be getting new doctors. Her current doctor is supposed to be consulting with some of her peers to try to figure this out.

I pray that they will find something. Anything. Its harder to not know, to wonder why this is happening. I would rather find out my mom has a brain tumor then to continue to not know as she continues to worsen. I would rather find out my mom has Alzheimer’s, then to not know.

So I pray that the tests will show something. Even if that something is a horrible something. At the rate she is currently degrading she will probably need to be placed in a nursing home before the end of the year. My mom will be 60 this year. This should not be happening.

My mom is really the glue that holds my family together. And now its all falling apart. We really need her around. We need her the way she was, the way she should be.

So I pray that the doctors will figure this out. They have to find something.

2 Responses

  1. I really hope you can find the information and help that you both need. 😦 Why do doctors seem more useless than anything else? I’ll be keeping my toes crossed for you, cause my fingers will be knitting…

  2. I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope you get some answers soon and the doctors figure out what’s happening. I know this would make me a wreck…I hope knitting is providing some outlet for your worries.

    I stopped knitting for a stretch earlier this year and haven’t been to the knit night in forever…was hoping all was OK with you. I’ll keep your mom in my thoughts.

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